Your Clean Blade
Courageous I am not, my feet can't move that fast.
There's always time to think before I lift the sword to strike.
Swaying back and forth but keep your eyes rivetted past;
gaze unfocused so you feel him lift his sword to strike.
Time does not stand still but always blurs the seconds passed.
Electricty and sinew only lifts the sword to strike.
No more concepts or abstraction, only lift the sword to strike.
No words, no songs, no dreams, no lies, just lift your sword and strike.
There's always time to think before I lift the sword to strike.
Swaying back and forth but keep your eyes rivetted past;
gaze unfocused so you feel him lift his sword to strike.
Time does not stand still but always blurs the seconds passed.
Electricty and sinew only lifts the sword to strike.
No more concepts or abstraction, only lift the sword to strike.
No words, no songs, no dreams, no lies, just lift your sword and strike.
posted by Fateduel at 03:17
4 Comments:
Wow, this is nothing like most of your work. A) the lines are long, b) the rhyme scheme is obviously wack. But it's got a really nice lull to it, in the repetition. Consider some of the lines however -- unless they are intentionally halting.
You be right and suitable changes have been made to correct the rhythm problem. Like?
Awesome. Save the word rivetted is one syllable too long. But other than that, much kudos on the edit. It flows much better.
Ok so I know I said this poem was good last night/earlier today but I just read it with a clearer brain and it is really quite good!
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